Maria

Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.

Feste

Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in't; and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student; but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.

Sir Toby

Jove bless thee, master Parson.

Feste

Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, “That that is is;” so I, being Master Parson, am master Parson; for, what is “that” but “that,” and “is” but “is”?

Sir Toby

To him, Sir Topas.

Feste

What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!

Sir Toby

The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

Malvolio

Who calls there?

Feste

Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.

Malvolio

Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

Feste

Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man! talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

Sir Toby

Well said, master Parson.

Malvolio

Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me here in hideous darkness.

Feste

Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy: sayest thou that house is dark?

Malvolio

As hell, Sir Topas.

Feste

Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?

Malvolio

I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.

Feste

Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.

Malvolio

I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are: make the trial of it in any constant question.

Feste

What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild-fowl?

Malvolio

That the soul of our grandam might happily inhabit a bird.

Feste

What thinkest thou of his opinion?

Malvolio

I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

Feste

Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

Malvolio

Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

Sir Toby

My most exquisite Sir Topas!

Feste

Nay, I am for all waters.

Maria

Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown: he sees thee not.

Sir Toby

To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou find'st him: I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.

Feste

Singing

“Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,

Tell me how thy lady does.”

Malvolio

Fool!

Feste

“My lady is unkind, perdy.”

Malvolio

Fool!

Feste

“Alas, why is she so?”

Malvolio

Fool, I say!

Feste

“She loves another”

Malvolio

Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper: as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for't.

Feste

Master Malvolio?

Malvolio

Ay, good fool.

Feste

Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

Malvolio

Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused: I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

Feste

But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool.

Malvolio

They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.

Feste

Advise you what you say; the minister is here. Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble.

Malvolio

Sir Topas!

Feste

Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, sir? not I, sir. God buy you, good Sir Topas. Marry, amen. I will, sir, I will.

Malvolio

Fool, fool, fool, I say!

Feste

Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am shent for speaking to you.

Malvolio

Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

Feste

Well-a-day that you were, sir!

Malvolio

By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and light; and convey what I will set down to my lady: it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.

Feste

I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

Malvolio

Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

Feste

Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

Malvolio

Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I prithee, be gone.

Feste