E. Antipholus

Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;

My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours:

Say that I lingered with you at your shop

To see the making of her carcanet,

And that to-morrow you will bring it home.

But here's a villain that would face me down

He met me on the mart and that I beat him,

And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,

And that I did deny my wife and house.

Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?

E. Dromio

Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know;

That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand to show:

If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,

Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.

E. Antipholus

I think thou art an ass.

E. Dromio

Marry, so it doth appear

By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.

I should kick, being kicked; and, being at that pass,

You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.

E. Antipholus

Y' are sad, Signior Balthazar: pray God our cheer

May answer my good will and your good welcome here.

Balthazar

I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.

E. Antipholus

O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,

A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.

Balthazar

Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.

E. Antipholus

And welcome more common; for that's nothing but words.

Balthazar

Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.

E. Antipholus

Ay to a niggardly host and more sparing guest:

But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;

Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.

But, soft! my door is locked. Go bid them let us in.

E. Dromio

Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicel, Gillian, Ginn!

S. Dromio

Within

Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!

Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch.

Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st for such store,

When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.

E. Dromio

What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.

S. Dromio

Within

Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on's feet.

E. Antipholus

Who talks within there? ho, open the door!

S. Dromio

Within

Right, sir; I'll tell you when, and you'll tell me wherefore.

E. Antipholus

Wherefore? for my dinner: I have not dined to-day.

S. Dromio

Within

Nor to-day here you must not; come again when you may.

E. Antipholus

What art thou that keepest me out from the house I owe?

S. Dromio

Within

The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.

E. Dromio

O villain! thou hast stolen both mine office and my name.

The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame.

If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place,

Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a

name or thy name for an ass.

Luce

Within

What a coil is there, Dromio? who are those at the gate?

E. Dromio

Let my master in, Luce.

Luce

Within

Faith, no; he comes too late;

And so tell your master.

E. Dromio

O Lord, I must laugh!

Have at you with a proverb — Shall I set in my staff?

Luce

Within

Have at you with another; that's — When? can you tell?

S. Dromio

Within

If thy name be called Luce, — Luce, thou hast answered him well.

E. Antipholus

Do you hear, you minion? you'll let us in, I hope?

Luce

Within

I thought to have asked you.

S. Dromio

Within

And you said no.

E. Dromio

So, come, help: well struck! there was blow for blow.

E. Antipholus

Thou baggage, let me in.

Luce

Within

Can you tell for whose sake?

E. Dromio

Master, knock the door hard.

Luce

Within

Let him knock till it ache.

E. Antipholus

You'll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.

Luce

Within

What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?

Adriana

Within

Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise?

S. Dromio

Within

By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.

E. Antipholus

Are you there, wife? you might have come before.

Adriana

Within

Your wife, sir knave! go get you from the door.

E. Dromio

If you went in pain, master, this “knave” would go sore.

Angelo

Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome: we would fain have either.

Balthazar

In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.

E. Dromio

They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.

E. Antipholus

There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.

E. Dromio

You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.

Your cake here is warm within; you stand here in the cold:

It would make a man mad as a buck, to be so bought and sold.

E. Antipholus

Go fetch me something: I'll break ope the gate.

S. Dromio

Within

Break any breaking here, and I'll break your knave's pate.

E. Dromio

A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind,

Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.

S. Dromio

Within

It seems thou want'st breaking: out upon thee, hind!

E. Dromio

Here's too much “out upon thee!” I pray thee, let me in.

S. Dromio

Within

Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.

E. Antipholus

Well, I'll break in: go borrow me a crow.

E. Dromio

A crow without feather? Master, mean you so?

For a fish without a fin, there's a fowl without a feather:

If a crow help us in, sirrah, we'll pluck a crow together.

E. Antipholus

Go get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.

Balthazar

Have patience, sir; O, let it not be so!

Herein you war against your reputation

And draw within the compass of suspect

The unviolated honour of your wife,

Once this, — your long experience of her wisdom,

Her sober virtue, years and modesty,

Plead on her part some cause to you unknown;

And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse

Why at this time the doors are made against you.

Be ruled by me: depart in patience,

And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,

And about evening come yourself alone

To know the reason of this strange restraint.

If by strong hand you offer to break in

Now in the stirring passage of the day,

A vulgar comment will be made of it,

And that supposed by the common rout

Against your yet ungalled estimation

That may with foul intrusion enter in

And dwell upon your grave when you are dead;

For slander lives upon succession,

For ever housed where it gets possession.

E. Antipholus

You have prevailed: I will depart in quiet,

And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.

I know a wench of excellent discourse,

Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle:

There will we dine. This woman that I mean,

My wife — but, I protest, without desert —

Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal:

To her will we to dinner. To Ang.

Get you home

And fetch the chain; by this I know 'tis made:

Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine;

For there's the house: that chain will I bestow —

Be it for nothing but to spite my wife —

Upon mine hostess there: good sir, make haste.

Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,

I'll knock elsewhere, to see if they'll disdain me.

Angelo

I'll meet you at that place some hour hence.

E. Antipholus

Do so. This jest shall cost me some expense. Exeunt.